FINAL GOODBYE
during many nights i've waited for you to come and rescue me. i'd hoped that you would appear and take me away from this torment. but you are not here. you havent even noticed. when will you see that i die with every breat i take as i long for the moment in which you would be here? when will you open your eyes and notice that i waste myself hoping with my heart at hand for you to come someday.
ttime has passed and you still havent seen the hole in my chest. the scar that you left when you disappeared from my life. i wont wait any longer. i wont ware myself out any more, cause if you dont care then why should anyone else? i will leave and you better hope it is not too late.
you the man with no heart, you watched me fall and let me die, you let die. you let yourself get used by darkness and you forgot that i existed. you the demon in person, you lied to me and made me believe that there would be beauty in you. An angel fallen from the heavens, dispised by the rest of your kind to then be despised by me because of your lies and my disilusions.
just let me go and dont look at me anymore, as if you wanted me to keep waiting.
in my heart i have a need to tell you how i feel.
but i cant like i must confess my heart still needs to heal.
from all the times its fallen into a pit of endless darkness
bleeding as it hits the ground bound with chains of sorrow.
suffering and pain overtake my life
as i realize that his words were nothing but a lie
empty words and promises that never did come true
like when he said "your special" or my favourite "i love you"
You see i have a secret that i cant keep anymore
i'll tell you what it is but only behind closed doors.
the boy that broke my heart is still my friend today
and no matter how much i try i cant push him away.
so the healing of my wound takes longer than it should
i please ask you to forgive me, i'd heal faster if i could.
but i've found that life's against me and love in all its ways
i cant seem to fight against it for it weakens me each day!
i do promise one thing: i will never give up.
as long as blood flows through my veins
as long as my heart doesnt stop.
i'm going to find my love someday even if it kills me.
maybe i'll meet him today, maybe i already know him,
maybe he's here and maybe, just maybe, he might be you
A DREAM I HAD
i'm sitting in the middle of a dark room. candles start to light up around me and i find myself in the very middle of a circular bed that has been engraved in the floor.
i realize that my hands are moist in blood. my own, caused by the cuts that came from trying to fix a broken crystal. crying and desperate to fix the broken figure, i ignore the cuts on my hands. he comes in and finds me trying to fix the crystal. he seemed like he had been looking for me, which i found weird. he sits on the bed with me and picks up a peace of the crystal to try and help. i say "no!" with a look of shock, he puts it down, but insists on trying to help me. "let me help you" he said. "no! i dont want you to cut yourself. This is mine and i can fix it. its not the first time" was all i responded. he kept insisting and i kep protesting against it. once he tried to grab another piece and i yelled " leave me alone. its mine i'll fix it!!"
with one blow from his mouth all hte candles were unlit. once again in darkenss i couldnt see anything. with pain in my hands and anger in my chest, i kept working on the, now invisible, crystal. i felt him getting on the bed once again, so i took all of the peices in my hands or so i thought. i had left a piece on the bed and he took it. he tried to retrieve some pieces from me as well, again saying "let me help you" with tears in my eyes all i could say was "i cant".
the scenery changes though i'm in the same room. i'm no longer on the bed, but standing where the bed used to be. the wounds in my hands were gone and the crystal was no longer in my hands. but he was still there. why did he care? and why was he there?
next thing i know, i'm being consumed in flames. they didnt burn, but they brought a faint pain inside my chest. it hurt, but most of the pain came from knowing that he was seeing me burn in flames. Flames thati was used to feeling. i had already learned to block the burning feeling from my body. he extended his hands towards me and i pulled back. i didnt want him to touch me. i didnt want him to get burned as well.
all of a sudden, he embraces me, also being consumed in the same flames. this very deep pain throbbed deep into my chest. it was a feeling of rejection and loneliness. as if i didnt deserve his presence there.
i fell on my knees, screaming and weeping from the pain. he acompanied me not letting me go. i away from this dream, crying every time and with the same pain in my chest!!!
i AWAIT
i await for the night in which we lie in bed together.
when we take our last breaths and we die in love forever.
for the moment in which a little girl comes up to us both
saying: "look grandma, grandpa! look how much i've grown."
or when that girls father was a teenage boy in love.
Maybe even earlier in life when you gave him his first baseball glove.
These are moments i await with every breath that i take,
like when that little boy turned one and we gave him his first birthday cake.
The night we made that child is one that i often think about,
i knew something beatiful would come out of it, something wonderful, no doubt.
An even that i await for is when we move into our first home,
unsure of what we are doing but ready to face whatever comes our way.
I await for that sunday morning in which we say " I do"
'Cause its in that very moment that i knew i belonged to you.
i cant wait to see you nervous at that one dinner date we had.
when you asked me to be your wife. i'd never been so glad.
when you say "i love you" for the first time is a moment i hope come soon
and the very first perfect kiss we shared that one afternoon.
that was our very first date the one that i await.
cause i remember being so nervous i thought that i would faint.
the first time you came up to me and asked me for my name
i treated you like someone else and made you think you had no game.
truth is i'm still waiting for that one day to come
i await for the day in which i'll meet you and then everything else shall be done.
so until then, i'll keep on waiting for time to bring me to you.
so whoever you are, where ever you'll be i want you to know that I LOVE YOU.
*this poem was written years ago but i lost it and had to rewrite it, so its a bit different from the original but still the same topic and way of exposition. for future to the "present"
i want to be:
> a nurse: to take care of you when you get sick
> a babysitter: to take care of our children.
> a jewelry box: for you to put your treasures in.
> a journal: for you to write your deepest thoughts and secrets.
> a singer: to sing to you how much i love you at nights.
> a poet: to dedicate to you the most beautiful words.
> a teacher: to show you whats inside my heart.
> a student: to learn every detail of your soul.
> a friend: for you to trust and count on.
> a lover: to please you with my body.
> the forbidden fruit: for you to desire me the most
> a muse: to give you inspiration.
> a tree: for you to carve your name under my skin.
> a bed: for you to rest when you get tired.
> a star: to give you hope in the darkests of nights.
> the sun: to brighten up your day.
> the water: to moisten your dry lips.
> a window: for you to see the world through me.
> a mirror: so yo ucan finally understand why i look at you the way that i do.
> the breeze: so you can feel me softly touching your face.
> a quilt: to embrace you in warmth when ever you feel cold and alone.
> a dreamcatcher: to protect your thoughts in the night.
Everything you need i want to be.....
I WANT TO BE YOURS!!!
RANDOM PHRASES
"trust is like a mirror. onces its broken you can fix it but you never stop seeing the broken reflection"
"i resisted you, not for lack of love, but because i was afraid of loosing myself in it"
"sometimes we love someone that doesnt love us back, but even worse, sometimes we dont realize that we love someone who does"
** "i no longer use the mirror to look at my own face, but to see the face of the motherfucker that stabs me in the back"
** "we use a pen to engrave our thoughts on paper, we use our words to engrave our thoughts in peoples minds and we use your actions to engrave OURSELVES in peoples hearts"
** "i'd rather die because i lived than survive because i exist"
** "what good is being alive if you live someone elses life. let me die being me"
** "you love me for what you want me to be. but you hate me for who i am and who i can be"
** notes by me.. the ones that arent marked are from movies and other things i've heard
before
ALL I HAVE
i see your face and smile
i hold your hand and fly
i say your name and feel
a sudden urge to cry.
remembering our moments together
i realize you're gone
to a place where i cant see you
where space, time and life are gone.
there is a hole in my chest
that only you can fill
only your love can satisfy
the emptiness i feel.
the need i have to see you
just tears my world apart
but when i see that you're not here
i'm full of fear and all i have is a broken heart
a broken memory
a half-hearted smile
is what your memory
brings after a while
after a memory, after a thought
all i have is sorrow
and the fear of tomorrow
for what yesterday had brought.
all i have are broken pieces
of what used to be a heart.
a broken crystal i used to cherish
a masterpiece, a work of art.
i dont have the strength
or the will to fight.
all i have is a thought
a faint picture in my mind
all i have is a memory
of what used to be mine.
Loneliness and Fear, Emptiness and Sadness.
Will anyone ever, really, understand me?
i feel alone when i'm surrounded by peopl.
i'm scared of what will happen if i act upon what i really want.
emptiness binds my heart and pushes me to find anything that can fill the hole in my ches. one that has been there since the day i left my home (the US)
and the only feeling that comforts me in all is sadness. it's the one that makes me cry and temporarily get rid of the abiding pain in my chest. sometimes it seems like every good thing is taken away in one way or another.
holding back the tears in public has become an instinct. to a point wher ei cant do it anymore.
it's not until i find myself behind four walls alone, thati can shed the pain.
Writing, singing, talking about it is never enough anymore. i need something else, something new. how am i going to be able to understand something that i havent had or done in years?
What is it like to have someone dry your tears?
What does it mean to let someone see that weak side? not just hear about it but really see??
the moment it starts, it goes away, and i'm left with the same confussion as always.
what am i afraid of?
getting hurt?- NO
hurting other?- A BIT
but what is my real fear?
I FEAR THE NATURE OF WHAT I BELIEVE IN!! I FEAR UNHAPPINESS.
THINK ABOUT IT!!
Trying my best to hold on the life as every second reminds me that i'm closer to my end. taking each breath carefully trying not to waste it in the wrong way. thinking which words would be best to describe the way i feel about death. how will i feel afterwards is onlly a mystery. what is it like to take the last breat?
looking at the blood on my hands, in a blur of red i see your face, your eyes looking at me worried asking me "why?" "why did you do it?" meanwhile i still find myself thinking, what words can be considerred a good enough answer.
FIVE MONTHS EARLIER.....you were in my place in a hospital bed and the doctor told us that you needed a new heart.
and then i remembered....
holding on to life as my answer came out forcefully...." i love you"
my death wasnt because you made me so unhappy that i wanted to live without you, but because you made me so happy that i figured you should live to spread the love that you showed me. i'd rather die with you by my side than live without you.
waking up to reality i feel the tears going down my cheeks knowing that today was going to be the day in which i would meet the person i will love and die for..
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