An Angel Torn part 7

Back in the heavens, Icais felt sorry for having left Solange alone, but couldn’t find a way to go back and face her. Instead he fled to his corridors and ignored his charge and his heart. For the first time in his existence he felt tears run down his face, his heart was beating awfully and the pain emerging from it was even worse. Little did he know that it was the last time he would see Solange with life.

She was alone, sad and without consolation. She knew, deep down, that because of what had happened she wouldn’t be able to see her angel in a long time. She wasn’t wrong; he would most definitely take some time off to redeem himself. But she couldn’t live without him any longer. It was time to act. She was going to try and reach him in the heavens one last time.

 She went to the bathroom and got the tub ready with some warm water; went back to her room and did her makeup. She took off her clothes and looked in the mirror and after feeling satisfied with the way she looked, she walked to the room that used to belong to her son. She knew that he had left without taking many things, including a mid-sized folding knife with a red and black handle. The blade was a metallic black in which she could see her dark reflection.

With knife in hand she was heading back to the bathroom but in her head…. She was in a completely different place.  She was transported into a dark room, alone and scared.  She looked to the end of the room and saw Icais from afar.  While trying to reach for him, she felt her hand tied up to a wall, one she couldn’t see.  She cut herself loose and a red light began to flash before her face.  She felt herself get wet, and found herself feeling a small but sharp pain.  This feeling only brought more desperation. She looked at her arms and she could see what she was doing and the pain just got worse. The more blood that flowed, the closer she got to her angel. She opened new wounds in her legs, thighs, abdomen and where the pain was most unbearable, the chest.

After a couple of minutes she began to feel relief. The puddle of blood that she was looking at, she knew was hers and when she gazed up to see if she had reached her angel, he was gone and her mind was opened to reality. What had she just done? She was leaving her body and regretted it the moment she noticed. She remembered the time that Icais had come in time to save her, but her angel was nowhere to be seen she was lost and there was no hope. In her desperation she tried to step out of the tub, but only found herself tripping over and busting her lip. She tasted blood. She tasted her end.

In the meantime, Icais was back in his corridors, still crying, still in unexplainable pain and worst of all still ignoring his charge. Over and over again he played scenes in his head of how he could go back and excuse himself or at least explain.  In one, he got down to his knees and gave her what she wanted in the first place, that scene in his head only fired him up as much as she had done just hours before. In another he went back and explained the rules again to her yet confessed his love once again.  These scenes kept on playing repeatedly in his mind and with each one, he began to get the confidence to face her a bit more than the last, but the tears didn’t stop.

The pain inside of him kept growing. He didn’t know why. His chest began to burn and his head felt like it was going to burst and he decided it wasn’t going to go away until he said he was sorry. What he didn’t know was that he was loosing his charge. He got up and decided to pay her a visit. He went for scene #2 in which he would explain the rules but let her know that he never stopped loving her. Once he reached his post, he took a quick glance, and saw that she was “sleeping” in the tub.  Not noticing the blood, or that she wasn’t in the tub at all, he turned back, braced himself with courage and flew back down against all rules to see her again.

Meanwhile in the depths of the earth the famous Luke was waiting for Solanges’ soul to arrive.  It was the 7^th time that he waited and was interrupted. This time he was going to make sure that she arrived to her hellish pit of despair, one way or another, so he sent his best, Sorlozon, to go get her.

-“The angels’ lover is going under again. Make sure she gets to me this time.  I want to interference.” Luke ordered Sorlozon. “It’s not the first time that she tries so I highly doubt that HE will try to step in this time.  If Icais shows up… you know what to do.”

-“Sire, Icais is the one of the prophecy. How is it that I am to make him fall to his end?” asked Sorlozon.

            -“You just do as you are told and everything will fall into place.  That prophecy will not come true” he replied.

            Sorlozon left to complete his mission. In the meantime, Solange was battling to keep her life until Icais would arrive.  She felt a presence approaching but once she looked up; it wasn’t her angel that she saw. Too weak to yell out for help, she just extended her arms with the purpose of defense but it was no use.  Sorlozon already had her by the arm and was taking her away. 

Icais came into the room and the moment that the picture he wouldn’t realize what was happening. Solanges’ body was lying dead on the floor and the devil’s accomplice was taking his lovers soul off to hell. 

-“Solange! What…What’s going on?!? What are you doing? Let her go!” Icais yelled. 

-“Don’t challenge me Icais. You know very well what the consequences to suicide are” Sorlozon exclaimed as he pinned him to the wall with knife to his neck. “You know that hell waits for a soul at the time of suicide. She will not cheat death again!”

Icais went over to the body and looked at Solange while her soul looked back at him wordless. Before he left with her, Icais’ eyes ran through the image before him.

-“Wait! Let’s make a deal…”
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/#

Love always,
     Your Lonely Angel

An Angel Torn part 6

That night she began to get everything ready for the big day. She took out her best and most revealing nightgown and for the first time in months, she took the pills again. Icais wasn’t happy with this, of course, but he refrained from getting too upset, while hoping it wouldn’t happen again. Once he arrived he opened his mouth… “I…”  

            -“I know it was wrong but I wanted to see you”, she interrupted.

            He laughed, knowing that was going to be her explanation and said “I know. I was only going to say I missed you and I love you”

            She blushed once she noticed how rushed she’d been to give the explanation. They embraced and with a light kiss were immediately transported into the heavens once again.

            -“Are you excited about your book?” asked Icais.

            -“I’m more excited about tonight…” said Solange subtly.

            -“Really and why is that? What is to occur tonight that has you so energized?”

 The moment she got close to him, he knew what was going to happen and grasped the idea in her head quicker than ever. He tried to shun out of what was to come but she was too cunning. As a woman she had her needs and was going to satisfy her craving for love and passion.

            -“We’re in a dream Icais, how is it that you can kiss me but you can’t make love to me in a dream? You can caress me and not touch me as a woman? Do you not want me?”

This last question hammered at him endlessly. He wanted and desired her, but the rules were clear, Icais shouldn’t even be in love with her let alone MAKE love to her. It is forbidden.

Before he could reply she was already upon his lap welcoming every pleasure that was to come. She kissed him and he was reduced to nothing but an ardor of love. He was to be her servant and give her what she so evidently desired. Something inside him was growing and the changes in his body were noticeable as well. The heat arising from her body was intense and the response that he was experimenting was unfamiliar yet absolute. There was nowhere else he would rather be than enclosed in Solanges arms. In that moment he loved her and belonged to her and at the same time he was her owner…

The moment that thought crossed his mind, he felt shame. He knew there was no other owner of the soul than the one that gave life, and only an instant before he was to enter her and become one with her essence, he vanished.

She awoke, stunned, confused and simply stupefied! The heat and humidity that her body had developed had been ignored and she was left with a craving that was unsatisfied. She began to cry and found herself not angry at the angel but embarrassed for what she had done. She realized her mistake and knew it was only a matter of time before she would find the consequences to her actions insufferable.

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/#



Love always,
  Your Lonely Angel

Story of my Life

Hey! Your Lonely Angel here.

I know I've left the "An Angel Torn" story half way so sorry about that. 

I'm hoping to get some things out of my chest.... i'm going to tell you a very short story that seems to repeat itself in my life.

There's this guy right... i meet him, he turns into my best friend. i make the mistake of actually being intimate with him and i fall in love.  That's not the problem though, the problem is that I never said anything. I stayed quiet out of fear of rejection.  I didn't want to loose the friendship we had so i played it out like it was nothing more than casual. Long story short... he's gone to the states and i miss him like crazy. Especially after he and i talked and it turns out he felt the same way.  I'll have to enter into details later... keep reading and you'll get the heat in my love life gone cold. JAJAJAJA. 

Love always... Your Lonely Angel

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/#

an angel torn part 5

With that said she lay on his chest and closed her eyes, only to wake up holding her pillow. She was determined to make it work even if it meant breaking every rule. The months passed and everything was as usual as before. They would meet every night, talk and then the angel would leave to watch upon her whilst she did her daily chores. She began a new project, a book; a love story that she was hoping to publish. Everything was going well. Even the angel felt relief with the way her life was improving.

-“I saw that they gave you a date for the publishing of your new book.” said the angel.

            -“Yes,” she replied, “I can barely wait. But I don’t have a title for it yet. The editor needs one by tomorrow. If not, the publishing will have to be postponed.”

            -“What I don’t understand is how you already have the cover, the story is finished, and you still don’t have a title. Though I am impressed with how you’ve managed to put our experiences in a book and still have it seem like a fictional story. I’m surprised that He hasn’t given any orders to hinder its publishing. What’s the ending of the story, by the way?”

            There was a moment of silence.

            -“What are you thinking?” the angel asked her. “What’s going on in your head? Huh?”

            -“I’m just wondering….”

            -“What?” He interrupted.

            -“Well, if you’d let me finish you’d know. Don’t you think?” she laughed and continued “I was wondering what your name is.”

            A look of surprise spread across the angel’s face. He had already explained to her that it wasn’t aloud for the souls to know their angels names. Was she trying to cause trouble or had she forgotten? Unsure of why she had asked, he tried to explain the rules again.

            -“I know the rules.” She said, breaking off the angel’s explanation. “I was really just wondering. Could you at least give me the first and last letter? I’m thinking that your name would be a great title for the book. No one will know it’s your name.”

            Solange put an expression that almost convinced the angel to giving her the answer she wanted. But he refused to give in, even if it meant her getting upset. “It’ll probably last a couple of days” he thought to himself. And he was right… she did get upset. After a small argument, the angel left, he wasn’t good with confrontation; especially against her.

            Thankfully his secret love hadn’t been noticed by anyone, not even with the book and the similarities that it contained. But every once in a while he would unite with the other guardians that faced the same dilemma and they talked about their experiences. They gave each other advice and laughed at the different occurrences of one another. One day the angel presented the discussion that he had with Solange.

            -“And did you tell her?” said one of the other angels.

            -“No!” he replied. “Should I have?”

            This question raised an argument amongst the angels. Some of them said yes and others said that he had made the best choice.

            -“Mary knows mine.” Said another. “She knows everything about me, even about the moment I was created. I’m planning to go down to earth tonight and posses the body of her husband to make love to her. It wouldn’t be the first time I do it and I haven’t been caught yet.”

            Having said those words, his wings withered and he fell from grace. They all looked down to see his descend and his death as he hit the ground. With that, they dispersed and decided to go back to their places.

            The angel watched over Solange the rest of the day, wondering if he should tell her what she wanted to know. The angel in the post next to him said, “You should tell her your name. She seems like a trustworthy woman. My dear Emmett knows my name. We don’t go to extremes in having physical contact, but in his dreams we do make our feelings very clear. A light kiss on the lips and the person wakes up with a smile that lasts all day. Don’t tell her your name. But reveal it to her cunningly. She’s a smart woman; she’ll figure it out…Oh! And Il’…don’t be afraid to love her.” Having given her opinion the angel went back to her post and left him thinking.

            With the rising of the moon the angel came down to earth to see his dear and beautiful Solange. She seemed somewhat annoyed by his presence but she couldn’t deny that she was, as always, delighted to see him. She glared at him with resentment and he could only grin to her expression.

            -“You are stubborn. But you look so charming when you’re upset.” He said with a smile.

            -“I’m not speaking you. I don’t talk with strangers.” She answered in an angry tone.

            -“Oh really? You think I’m a stranger” he said while picking her up and embracing her body within his arms and wings flying high into the heavens.

            She couldn’t resist and began to laugh. Once they reached the highest cloud that she could imagine, they sat there and just looked at each other for a couple of minutes, trying to recuperate their breaths.

            -“Why do you create limitations to your soul in your dreams? In this world you can have wings, you can fly you can even get me to say my name…” he told her with a cunning tone in his voice.

            -“So you can’t tell me but I can get it out of you if I wanted? Will this get you in trouble?” she answered.

            -“No.” he replied. “At least I don’t think so. So do you want to play a game?”

            -“I want to try and figure out your name.” she said.

            -“Well what do you think the games about?” he said with a chuckle. “First clue: it starts with an ‘I’.”

            She began to mention random names. “Ian, Ilyha, Israel… isn’t that last one in the bible?”

            He laughed to all of her suggestions. “Ilyha would be a good name for an angel but that’s not it. It ends with an ‘S’.”

            -“Mm… Ignatius, Ilias, Ives? I can’t guess it that way, why don’t you just give me another clue?”

            -“Don’t think of me as just a man, maybe my name can be one that can be used for both male and female”

            They spent hours with the guessing game, until the woman got tired. “If you trust me and love me, you’ll tell me your name.” she said, frustrated.

            -“Why do you use my love for you against me? It’s not fair; you know that I can’t do that without risking my wings. I do trust you and love you, you know it.”

            She looked away and he tried to get her to look at her but she refrained, stubborn as she is. With a sigh, the angel was about to leave when he heard a small weep come out of her lips. He looked back at her and held her in his arms, touched her face and looked deeply into her eyes.

            -“I love you” he reminded her. Then he left an image in her head: ‘இசை’

            -“What’s that?” she asked.

            -“It’s my name” he replied. “It’s the meaning of my name.” and before she could give a reply, he left.

            The next morning, Solange went directly to the computer to look for the meaning of the symbols that she had seen. After hours of searching through the internet, she found nothing. With frustration building up, she began to hum to herself the angel’s song. “Music” she thought to herself. “Icais” she exclaimed the moment she found it! With excitement, she called her editor and gave her the title of her soon to be published book: Icais: the love song of an angel. Having done that she rushed to her bed and tried to sleep, the excitement was too much. She would have to wait for the indicated time.

            Icais felt content with her discovery. He had hoped that she would find it. With every passing hour anxiety built up inside them both. She began to do exercise, something she had never down before, hoping to get tired enough to take a nap. It worked!

            Once she fell asleep, the angel came down and visited and embraced her happily.

            -“Icais” she said with a smile.

            -“Yes my love” he replied, feeling pleased to hear his name.

            -“I love you Icais! I Love You!” she said laughing while he swayed her around in his arms.

            That dream was even more pleasing than any of the others. Although the barely spoke, the little they said was enough for them to feel blissful. Once the night ended, the Icais didn’t wish to leave, for the first time, he felt that he didn’t want to separate from her side. He remembered the words of the other angel when she spoke of the gentle kiss on the lips and how it would always leave a smile. But before he could give it to her, she was already in his arms caressing his lips. He didn’t resist, he couldn’t. He held her closer to him and didn’t let go until she separated from him.

-“I love you” they both said to each other.

            -“I will see you tonight” Solange said.

            -“But it is already nightfall? How will we see each other?”

            -“I’ll think of something.” She replied. “You just go and come back when I call you.”

            Icais left the dream and she got up from the bed as cheerful as can be. Now it was just a matter of time until the book was published and she could carry out with her plan to be with her angel in every way possible.

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/#

 Love always,

   Your Lonely Angel

An Angel Torn...

     An angel torn between two worlds. Trying to decide wether to stay in heaven or experiment Love on earth. You see, this angel was gaurding a human soul.... a soul it considered beautiful... unique yet somewhat lost. It felt compassion and the need to help... but it was never satisfied with doing it from afar... Every night it would escape the gates of heaven and visit in a dream. In these dreams they would interact and get to know eachother. 
     The woman, with the hope of seeing her angel, was beginning to sleep more often. But eventually this became a problem. Why? you ask... she wasnt just a woman, she was a mother and wife. She was a wrtier, one that constantly inspired her readers to live foward...with the frequent visits from the angel, her books and articles became more and more bizzare.  Her readers never understood why she constantly mentioned how dreaming was a way to live... how sleeping was the solution for their problems. Her husband, feeling unattended began to drink, and her child, a small boy of 5 never understood why his mother never had time to play anymore. 
     One night, the angel didnt come to visit. She thought she hadn't fallen asleep deep enough, so she decided to get some sleeping pills, not thinking of the consecuences. What she didnt know was that her angel had been caught in its last attempt to go visit her. Apparently the news got out that his visits were causing a bit of chaos in the womans life. He had been prohibited to go down to earth. If he dared disobey, his sentence was the removal of his wings and mortality. In other words death....
     While he kept trying to find a way around it, the nights passed. The woman fell into a deep depression, asking herself if she had done something wrong; if she had made her angel unhappy. To remedy this she doubled her dosage on the pills, hoping that her angel would come and that maybe she could redeem whatever it was that she had done. Abandoning herself, her job and her family into her endless dreaming. 
     Days became weeks, weeks became months, months became years.  The woman ended alone and unemployed. Never being able to move on and forget her angel. Her dreams had become nightmares...she started to see the night in which her husband drank himself to death, the moment in which her son left her home because he couldn't stand her anymore but above all, she was alone, and her loneliness only provoked a deep sharp pain in her dreams that she only wished to get rid of. Attempting suicide more than once, twice or three times... in her last attempt her angel had a decision to make..... 
     An angel torn between two worlds, trying to decide whether to stay in heaven and obey or go to earth and save the woman it loves to then experiment love as well....

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/#

Love Always,
    Your Lonely Angel

keep yourself posted if you want to know what else happens

SOME OF MY OLD STUFF

FINAL GOODBYE

during many nights i've waited for you to come and rescue me. i'd hoped that you would appear and take me away from this torment. but you are not here. you havent even noticed. when will you see that i die with every breat i take as i long for the moment in which you would be here? when will you open your eyes and notice that i waste myself hoping with my heart at hand for you to come someday. 

ttime has passed and you still havent seen the hole in my chest. the scar that you left when you disappeared from my life. i wont wait any longer. i wont ware myself out any more, cause if you dont care then why should anyone else? i will leave and you better hope it is not too late. 

you the man with no heart, you watched me fall and let me die, you let die. you let yourself get used by darkness and you forgot that i existed. you the demon in person, you lied to me and made me believe that there would be beauty in you. An angel fallen from the heavens, dispised by the rest of your kind to then be despised by me because of your lies and my disilusions. 

just let me go and dont look at me  anymore, as if you wanted me to keep waiting.

i'LL FIND HIM
in my heart i have a need to tell you how i feel.
but i cant like i must confess my heart still needs to heal.
from all the times its fallen into a pit of endless darkness
bleeding as it hits the ground bound with chains of sorrow.
suffering and pain overtake my life
as i realize that his words were nothing but a lie
empty words and promises that never did come true
like when he said "your special" or my favourite "i love you"
You see i have a secret that i cant keep anymore
i'll tell you what it is but only behind closed doors.
the boy that broke my heart is still my friend today
and no matter how much i try i cant push him away.
so the healing of my wound takes longer than it should
i please ask you to forgive me, i'd heal faster if i could.
but i've found that life's against me and love in all its ways
i cant seem to fight against it for it weakens me each day!
i do promise one thing: i will never give up.
as long as blood flows through my veins
as long as my heart doesnt stop.
i'm going to find my love someday even if it kills me.
maybe i'll meet him today, maybe i already know him,
maybe he's here and maybe, just maybe, he might be you



A DREAM I HAD
i'm sitting in the middle of a dark room. candles start to light up around me and i find myself in the very middle of a circular bed that has been engraved in the floor.
i realize that my hands are moist in blood. my own, caused by the cuts that came from trying to fix a broken crystal.  crying and desperate to fix the broken figure, i ignore the cuts on my hands. he comes in and finds me trying to fix the crystal. he seemed like he had been looking for me, which i found weird.  he sits on the bed with me and picks up a peace of the crystal to try and help. i say "no!"  with a look of shock, he puts it down, but insists on trying to help me. "let me help you" he said. "no! i dont want you to cut yourself. This is mine and i can fix it. its not the first time" was all i responded.  he kept insisting and i kep protesting against it. once he tried to grab another piece and i yelled " leave me alone. its mine i'll fix it!!"
with one blow from his mouth all hte candles were unlit. once again in darkenss i couldnt see anything. with pain in my hands and anger in my chest, i kept working on the, now invisible, crystal. i felt him getting on the bed once again, so i took all of the peices in my hands or so i thought. i had left a piece on the bed and he took it. he tried to retrieve some pieces from me as well, again saying "let me help you" with tears in my eyes all i could say was "i cant".
the scenery changes though i'm in the same room. i'm no longer on the bed, but standing where the bed used to be. the wounds in my hands were gone and the crystal was no longer in my hands. but he was still there. why did he care? and why was he there?
next thing i know, i'm being consumed in flames. they didnt burn, but they brought a faint pain inside my chest. it hurt, but most of the pain came from knowing  that he was seeing me burn in flames. Flames thati was used to feeling. i had already learned to block the burning feeling from my body. he extended his hands towards me and i pulled back. i didnt want him to touch me. i didnt want him to get burned as well.
all of a sudden, he embraces me, also being consumed in the same flames. this very deep pain throbbed deep into my chest. it was a feeling of rejection and loneliness. as if i didnt deserve his presence there.
i fell on my knees, screaming and weeping from the pain. he acompanied me not letting me go. i away from this dream, crying every time and with the same pain in my chest!!!

i AWAIT

i await for the night in which we lie in bed together. 

when we take our last breaths and we die in love forever.

for the moment in which a little girl comes up to us both

saying: "look grandma, grandpa! look how much i've grown."

or when that girls father was a teenage boy in love.

Maybe even earlier in life when you gave him his first baseball glove.

These are moments i await with every breath that i take,

like when that little boy turned one and we gave him his first birthday cake. 

The night we made that child is one that i often think about,

i knew something beatiful would come out of it, something wonderful, no doubt.

An even that i await for is when we move into our first home,

unsure of what we are doing but ready to face whatever comes our way.

I await for that sunday morning in which we say " I do" 

'Cause its in that very moment that i knew i belonged to you.

i cant wait to see you nervous at that one dinner date we had.

when you asked me to be your wife. i'd never been so glad.

when you say "i love you" for the first time is a moment i hope come soon

and the very first perfect kiss we shared that one afternoon.

that was our very first date the one that i await.

cause i remember being so nervous i thought that i would faint. 

the first time you came up to me and asked me for my name

i treated you like someone else and made you think you had no game.

truth is i'm still waiting for that one day to come

i await for the day in which i'll meet you and then everything else shall be done.

so until then, i'll keep on waiting for time to bring me to you.

so whoever you are, where ever you'll be i want you to know that I LOVE YOU. 

*this poem was written years ago but i lost it and had to rewrite it, so its a bit different from the original but still the same topic and way of exposition. for future to the "present" 

i want to be:

> a nurse: to take care of you when you get sick

> a babysitter: to take care of our children.

> a jewelry box: for you to put your treasures in.

> a journal: for you to write your deepest thoughts and secrets.

> a singer: to sing to you how much i love you at nights.

> a poet: to dedicate to you the most beautiful words.

> a teacher: to show you whats inside my heart.

> a student: to learn every detail of your soul.

> a friend: for you to trust and count on.

> a lover: to please you with my body.

> the forbidden fruit: for you to desire me the most

> a muse: to give you inspiration. 

> a tree: for you to carve your name under my skin.

> a bed: for you to rest when you get tired.

> a star: to give you hope in the darkests of nights.

> the sun: to brighten up your day.

> the water: to moisten your dry lips.

> a window: for you to see the world through me.

> a mirror: so yo ucan finally understand why i look at you the way that i do.

> the breeze: so you can feel me softly touching your face.

> a quilt: to embrace you in warmth when ever you feel cold and alone.

> a dreamcatcher: to protect your thoughts in the night.

Everything you need i want to be.....

           

I WANT TO BE YOURS!!! 

RANDOM PHRASES

"trust is like a mirror. onces its broken you can fix it but you never stop seeing the broken reflection"

"sometimes you play a game even when you know you're gonna loose or sometimes you leave a game even when you know you can win"
"i resisted you, not for lack of love, but because i was afraid of loosing myself in it"
"sometimes we love someone that doesnt love us back, but even worse, sometimes we dont realize that we love someone who does"
** "i no longer use the mirror to look at my own face, but to see the face of the motherfucker that stabs me in the back"
** "we use a pen to engrave our thoughts on paper, we use our words to engrave our thoughts in peoples minds and we use your actions to engrave OURSELVES in peoples hearts"
** "i'd rather die because i lived than survive because i exist"
** "what good is being alive if you live someone elses life. let me die being me"
** "you love me for what you want me to be. but you hate me for who i am and who i can be"
** notes by me.. the ones that arent marked are from movies and other things i've heard
before


ALL I HAVE


i see your face and smile
i hold your hand and fly
i say your name and feel
a sudden urge to cry.

remembering our moments together
i realize you're gone
to a place where i cant see you
where space, time and life are gone.

there is a hole in my chest
that only you can fill
only your love can satisfy 
the emptiness i feel.

the need i have to see you
just tears my world apart
but when i see that you're not here
i'm full of fear and all i have is a broken heart

a broken memory
a half-hearted smile
is what your memory 
brings after a while

after a memory, after a thought
all i have is sorrow
and the fear of tomorrow
for what yesterday had brought.

all i have are broken pieces 
of what used to be a heart.
a broken crystal i used to cherish
a masterpiece, a work of art.

i dont have the strength 
or the will to fight.
all i have is a thought
a faint picture in my mind
all i have is a memory 
of what used to be mine. 

FEELINGS!!

Loneliness and Fear, Emptiness and Sadness.
Will anyone ever, really, understand me?
i feel alone when i'm surrounded by peopl.
i'm scared of what will happen if i act upon what i really want.
emptiness binds my heart and pushes me to find anything that can fill the hole in my ches. one that has been there since the day i left my home (the US)
and the only feeling that comforts me in all is sadness. it's the one that makes me cry and temporarily get rid of the abiding pain in my chest.  sometimes it seems like every good thing is taken away in one way or another.
holding back the tears in public has become an instinct. to a point wher ei cant do it anymore.
it's not until i find myself behind four walls alone, thati  can shed the pain.
Writing, singing, talking about it is never enough anymore. i need something else, something new.  how am i going to be able to understand something that i havent had or done in years?
What is it like to have someone dry your tears?
What does it mean to let someone see that weak side? not just hear about it but really see??
the moment it starts, it goes away, and i'm left with the same confussion as always.
what am i afraid of?
getting hurt?- NO
hurting other?- A BIT
but what is my real fear?
I FEAR THE NATURE OF WHAT I BELIEVE IN!! I FEAR UNHAPPINESS.


THINK ABOUT IT!!

Trying my best to hold on the life as every second reminds me that i'm closer to my end.  taking each breath carefully trying not to waste it in the wrong way. thinking which words would be best to describe the way i feel about death.  how will i feel afterwards is onlly a mystery.  what is it like to take the last breat?
looking at the blood on my hands, in a blur of red i see your face, your eyes looking at me worried asking me "why?" "why did you do it?"  meanwhile i still find myself thinking, what words can be considerred a good enough answer.
FIVE MONTHS EARLIER.....you were in my place in a hospital bed and the doctor told us that you needed a new heart.

and then i remembered....

holding on to life as my answer came out forcefully...." i love you"
my death wasnt because you made me so unhappy that i wanted to live without you, but because you made me so happy that i figured you should live to spread the love that you showed me.  i'd rather die with you by my side than live without you.

waking up to reality i feel the tears going down my cheeks knowing that today was going to be the day in which i would meet the person i will love and die for..

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/#